Watch where you step

The media's got it wrong: the big threat to society isn't bird flu... it's bird poo. At the station we have it in abundance.

Park in the southwest corner of the lot, and the blackbirds will nail your car. Not good if you have a light colored car when berries are ripe on the trees.

Walk through the garage and the resident sparrows use you for target practice. Several years ago one of them scored a direct hit on my boss. If human targets aren't available, they'll decorate the wall phone or the bench vise handle: anything people are apt to grab without looking first. I don't answer the phone in the garage anymore.

But these are relatively light afflictions compared to the Canada Geese that have taken up residence here over the past few years. Ten years ago, when there was just one pair, it was a cute novelty. Now we have marauding packs that will chase you around the dumpster. At the peak last year we had over 50, and it looks like this year will top that. The entire side lawn, between the building and the stream that separates our property from the interstate highway, is thickly covered with goose poop. Driveways and sidewalks receive their share of the wealth, but at a slightly lower concentration of poops per square meter.

Geese are strategists, planning their deposits for maximum effect. This morning a school group was enchanted when the flock ambled to the front door. The kids crowded up to their side of the door to watch the geese; the geese came up to examine the kids. Finally at some unseen signal the flock turned around, left their calling cards right in front of the door, and ambled back to the stream. I'm certain that when the kids get home and their parents ask them about the visit, they won't remember a thing about the newsroom or the studio or the control rooms -- but they will be able to describe goose poop and its origins with great enthusiasm and detail.

Cleaning it up is a real chore. Perhaps we could start a rumor that the stuff can be boiled down to make gasoline... if it were valuable, it would surely disappear overnight. The government would have to step in, issuing controls and launching congressional hearings into the poop gouging scandal.

Maybe I'd better just use the hose instead.